Missing him

I really can't forget J. I just "spoke" to him for quite awhile. First via text message then IM online. I really miss hearing his voice... It has been so long since we properly talked. And i took it all for granted..
The last time was when he told me he was leaving me.

After that was the few times when i called him, in tears, trying to tell him to come back.

I still cry.. but not as bad. I was telling my friend that it's a different kind of pain now.

At first it's like a fresh wound... Stinging and really painful on the surface. But later on when it becomes a scar, the pain changes. Not as painful in the sense that i can't control myself from crying or stop thinking about him.. but just one that hurts me from deep down. It's like a memory i struggle to hold on to, trying to remember every single detail, but yet i can't forget having it.

I don't know what the future has in store for both of us.. i only hope we can be together again. Just now he told me he probably will go to the US or Australia to further his studies after army. And might continue to live there after that. Well there's nothing to hold him back as he isn't even from here in the first place.... I know life will be better.... There are good and bad points.. But well. I hope i'm not left behind.

Well i have about one year to try and salvage things. I have sort of resigned to it, but i will not give up. Not sure how to go about winning him back, given he doesn't want to see me and all..
Sighs... If only he would just give it another chance.

I miss him so much. It hurts so badly.

Anyway i am on medical leave now.... Haven't been very well.

It's late now. Time to get to sleep. Goodnight, world.

Next week

I'll be going on a short vacation with B. The idea is very romantic... my heart is with him but somehow when i'm not with him my mind keeps on wandering. To.. guess who?
I miss him badly. But honestly given a chance right now to patch things up, i'm not sure what i'll choose. But i know that definitely if i could rewind time and change things, i definitely would.
There is a difference.

Can't wait for next week though. I might as well be happy right?

Better

Still hurting, but healing.
Been a busy week so far, glad that tomorrow is Friday. However weekends seem empty to me nowadays.
Dissatisfied with family life.. and as for friends, somehow i don't seem very enthusiastic but i have decided to make an effort.
I realise i no longer have the energy to party hard - all of it is going to my work which is not even fulfilling. I will probably quit soon and go back to studying however i am rather used to having a salary which i can spend on myself as compared to allowance, not that my salary is big but it's better than allowance actually. When i go back to studying i might just feel restricted.
Neither do i want to waste my youth.
What should i do?

An open letter to you which you don't even know about

Dear J,

I miss you so much. I never thought i'd say this ever but it hurts, so much.
I love you more than you can ever imagine. You've said something like that to me before, i wonder if it still stands?
When i hear from you through text messages you have no idea how glad i feel, for that moment.
You seem happy without me, i guess you're coping real well. I wonder if it was selfish of you to leave me, given the reasons you stated. But i guess it was all my fault. It's true you don't realise what you have till you lose it. And i've learnt.
If i ever get one more chance i'll be so different. I wish we get a chance to start over again. I hope it's not the end for us. I'm hanging on to the hope that we'll be together again in the future. I don't know how possible that is....
But i know how my heart.
I wish you happiness in whichever path you choose. Please take care.

Love,
The Girl You Used To Know

Two days of medical leave

I have so much to say but everytime i try to organise my thoughts i seem to have difficulty. It's like it only makes sense as a jumble in my head.

I was on MC, yesterday and today. However was practically working the whole day from home because i had to compile something urgently, and i got so stressed out.. I took it out on B a little. Feel rather bad about it. B is really good to me, he didn't even retaliate but instead tried to assure and calm me down even. He is really a good person.

I realise now that another reason why i took it out on B was that i just miss J so much. I haven't stopped crying over him and most of the time i block it out and don't address the pain so i guess i will be taking a very long time to get over him.

I'm not prepared to give up what i have with B but somehow i have doubts that we'll work out well. It's as if i'm settling for second best, what i don't have a choice anyway.

I know all this sounds kind of mean, but don't get me wrong, it's not like i'm using B either, i generally have an interest in him.

I'm really glad for J that his army life is working out well. He gets to book out everyday and is holding a good post too.. i'm just really happy that he seems to be happy. Since the break up i haven't spoken to him on the phone, but the occasional texts ( very brief and not really very friendly in general ) and his blog entries ( occasional and not very detailed ) tell me that he is happy, carefree and has time to do what he wants now.

I am unable to let go of him really, it's so unfair to B and that is why i have tried to break it off with him, but he is persistent. He has told me he has not felt this way about anyone before and that he can't just end things like that. Maybe time will help, i will give it a chance.

Anyway, today i'm feeling much better. I apologised to B today for my bad attitude yesterday. I will try to manage my expectations and other's expectations like what he said, work is only work i can't let it take over my life.

Came back from a family dinner held at a chinese restaurant near my house, it was a good dinner. Nice catching up with them a little. I have made a mental note to put effort in my family relationships and just bothering a little more, i know it will make a difference.

I'm also trying to get in touch with my spiritual and religious life. I seem to have drifted away after my confirmation at age 15-16, ironically. It was when i realised i was unfamiliar and that i didn't feel the same way towards the faith as my then-boyfriend, who really surprised me. And that was it, i don't know why, i was young and impressionable, and i felt a bit left out and scared.
So now, the first thing to do is to go to church regularly and keep all the days of obligations.

Still figuring out the rest of my education! Should i go overseas? What should i study? Should i continue with this job for awhile more?

So many questions! Problems are indeed awaiting solutions....
Hmmm....

Anyway, i am quite glad that Friday is a public holiday.

To be continued

It seems like my emotional psyche is steering to the question of 'should i let myself be loved by the one who really loves me or should i continue reserving a space in my heart for the one i love?

To think that while i had the choice between both, icould have prevented this question from arising by choosing to stop venturing into the problem and settle for what i have. ( Taking theory from "ignorance is bliss" and reasoning it out to remaining blissful and ignorant of someone else. )

But if i hadn't, how would i know which is right?

And the result is that now i'm left with only one, and unanswered with an ongoing suspense.

Well i'm left with the one who loves me and you may say that it's not a bad thing at all, which i have to agree it isn't, however i feel something is missing. B may treat me better but it just isn't the same. At one stage i even contemplated on not dating B anymore just in the name of fairness. However now if J wants to come back to me and asks if i would like that as well, i honestly do not know the answer.

Sounds like a confused girl who can't make up her mind even when she is forced to? Well, this is where i have to draw the line between hope and reality. And coming to terms with what i want vs what i can't live with - and what i have to compromise vs my feelings.

Leaving you behind

I think i have given up trying to get J back. It's not that i am quitting, but i know him so well and i know that he is serious. As a follower of his head over heart, if he had made up his mind to move on he will, despite still being in love with me. It has caused me more pain and heartache than i have ever experienced. Not being able to eat or concentrate on things properly came part of the package.

I don't intend to use B either. I'm not that kind of girl who needs someone there and just because someone broke up with me i go to another. I don't know if i truly like him in the first place. I do admit that i have butterflies in my stomach and feel very happy with him. Perhaps something beautiful might happen. Maybe i was holding back because of J. But again, i don't want to fall in love on the rebound.

The other day i was talking to my colleague and i told her i'm really sad because the person i love does not want to love me anymore. And she replied, "Then go to the one who loves you."

Didn't know it was so evident.

Meanwhile, i still am not sure if i should forget J or not... First step is to figure out what my answer would be if down the road he wants to get back. I'm hesitant to move on because i keep hoping that he will come back to me but then again what if he doesn't? And seems most likely so, which is why i also feel i should move on. I don't want to hurt B too. Sometimes i wonder how i even got into this triangle. I definitely didn't initiate it. Up till now i tell B that i fell into things with him and it is all his fault ( jokingly ). He doesn't know about J though. But i thought of B as a friend and then suddenly he moved in on me. And that is why i feel so guilty for not stopping things.

Well... another week of work coming up. It's nice that it's a short week. :) The thought of spending the Chinese New Year with J brings back warm feelings... however this year it's not going to happen. Part of me wants him back so badly but part of me feels it's better this way too.
Can't understand myself sometimes... my mind is just so messy.

And i'm hardly 21.