Last night

The week passed so quickly but it wasn't smooth sailing. J got admitted into the sick bay in camp for 2 days and i couldn't contact him. No response when i text messaged him or called. I got worried, thinking there was a possibility he found out about stuff and was really angry.

Turns out he was staying in the medical centre for 2 days without anything to do. Not sure if that was a good thing or not, because he must have had alot of time to think about us.

Us is no more, and i'm devastated. Last night after i got home, i called him up and we talked about things on the phone. He asked about my work and whether i'm happy about it. I thought for awhile and told him in general yes, only problem is that i'm worried about my health ( because long hours and stress is part of the job ). He then asked if i'm happy about our relationship. I didn't know what to say, because i could feel that the conversation was steering to something i am afraid of. I asked him what he meant, and he said he felt that things haven't been improving.

Last time we almost broke up, i think the reason being lack of communication and that he was in army and i was at work - and distracted with B - i could not bear the pain of not being together with him. He had said that he loves me more than i can ever imagine ( however right now i don't know if that has changed ) and i knew that the feeling was mutual. We decided to continue trying and he must have started thinking of strategies to improve things between us.

Back to last night, he realised that the strategies didn't work and told me that things are bad, situation remaining just as before. He said that the communication didn't work, he opened up that he thought he was weird because he is more towards the quiet side, and that he has tried but sometimes he really can't find things to talk to me about. I told him maybe perhaps he is trying to handle the situation like a math problem or a case study. I said that relationships are not so technical, you can't analyse them and just simply find a solution, we have to work things out and it's all about the individuals.

Now the thing i like but at the same time dislike about J is that he is so practical. I wondered if he was really willing to sacrifice his feelings just so that he would feel released from this whole situation. This morning, i am still wondering if he has found someone better. I asked him before, what if he liked someone else, he replied that he doesn't even have the time for another person. I know that he isn't the untrue type, but at this stage i wouldn't blame him if someone else provides him with the comfort he seeks.

He continued saying that perhaps we'll work out after army, because in the mean time it doesn't look likely. Because i end work late, my weekdays are practically burnt and i only have weekends left to split my time up with him and my friends. That was the excuse i gave to him. It's not untrue, but also a lie because i had to squeeze time in for B as well. He said he really likes me but we don't seem to be working out and he would like to be friends and not let things get worse. I don't know how that is going to work. I don't know what to do. But i know that i'm even willing to give up B just for him.

I felt so terrible. I cried myself to sleep thought it seemed like i wasn't able to get any. This morning i told my best guy friend JL how i felt. It is all my fault. I created the problem and now i regret it. When you love somebody, hold on to them and treasure them. Don't give in to temptations. Love them like you'll never see them again.

Torn between two lovers

Tonight i went out with B after work. Had a cosy dinner and after which he sent me home, like he always does. When we were walking out to hail a taxi, it started to pour very suddenly and we had to take shelter. When we did manage to hail a taxi, we had to walk unsheltered in the rain a little to the road and because it was raining so heavily he took off his jacket and asked me to cover myself with it while he walked in the rain. It's the little sweet things he does that leaves me addicted. The way he treats me is so different from the way J does. He appreciates me as i am, i can feel it in the way he touches me and looks at me. I feel special like how i'm supposed to feel with a man. Although he isn't perfect in the looks department ( however he still manages to look good ), i can't deny that i am attracted to him and that we have awesome chemistry and are rather compatible. I am currently 20 and he is 28.

Then on the other side, J, caring and thoughtful whom i know always has my best interest in the things he does is almost the opposite in personality, with boyish good looks and follows his head more than his heart. I feel as if i cannot ever let him go. I have considered ending things with him but the thought of it hurts me so much. We were going through a rough patch when B came into the picture and i fell into things with him, but now that things are stabilising with J, i know i have to come to a decision soon.

That, i have no idea what it would be. Only time will tell. People have told me to take it slowly and really think things through. However in the mean time i feel really guilty especially towards J because we have been together for almost 21 months. He is my age and i do look forward to going through life's experiences together with him. He is in the army currently while i have started working. ( My working life and education is another story. )

I never thought i would be torn between two lovers. It isn't even a case of choosing the "better" man, in terms of wealth and status to me. I am not holding on to them selfishly and without sparing a thought for their feelings while trying to make a decision. What if i said it's because i really love both of them and can't bear to let any go? Given a choice, i would not hurt any of them. Spending time with them is a deadly mixture of heartache and bliss.

The purpose of this post is to admit that i am unfaithful. But it is also to declare that i am not proud of it at all and my intention is not to victimise any of them. I have been crying myself to sleep often. This confession would also put in place the stepping stone for me to sort things out from here because without addressing the problem i will never be able to solve it.

I have alot to learn about myself and what i want. It is true that the most important thing is self understanding, and then comes self worth and forgiveness.

Confessions of the day

1. I have two boyfriends
2. I don't know which one to let go - very confused.
3. I feel very bad about it, not to mention guilty.

The start of another beginning

I'm not looking for fame, or love or empathy.
I just thought it would be nice being able to write without identity, to sing without a song, to share without criticism.

I have had personal blogs before, but they were all about me.

This one is different because i will remain Incognito, it is no longer about the superficial me but my state of being and my society.