Last night

The week passed so quickly but it wasn't smooth sailing. J got admitted into the sick bay in camp for 2 days and i couldn't contact him. No response when i text messaged him or called. I got worried, thinking there was a possibility he found out about stuff and was really angry.

Turns out he was staying in the medical centre for 2 days without anything to do. Not sure if that was a good thing or not, because he must have had alot of time to think about us.

Us is no more, and i'm devastated. Last night after i got home, i called him up and we talked about things on the phone. He asked about my work and whether i'm happy about it. I thought for awhile and told him in general yes, only problem is that i'm worried about my health ( because long hours and stress is part of the job ). He then asked if i'm happy about our relationship. I didn't know what to say, because i could feel that the conversation was steering to something i am afraid of. I asked him what he meant, and he said he felt that things haven't been improving.

Last time we almost broke up, i think the reason being lack of communication and that he was in army and i was at work - and distracted with B - i could not bear the pain of not being together with him. He had said that he loves me more than i can ever imagine ( however right now i don't know if that has changed ) and i knew that the feeling was mutual. We decided to continue trying and he must have started thinking of strategies to improve things between us.

Back to last night, he realised that the strategies didn't work and told me that things are bad, situation remaining just as before. He said that the communication didn't work, he opened up that he thought he was weird because he is more towards the quiet side, and that he has tried but sometimes he really can't find things to talk to me about. I told him maybe perhaps he is trying to handle the situation like a math problem or a case study. I said that relationships are not so technical, you can't analyse them and just simply find a solution, we have to work things out and it's all about the individuals.

Now the thing i like but at the same time dislike about J is that he is so practical. I wondered if he was really willing to sacrifice his feelings just so that he would feel released from this whole situation. This morning, i am still wondering if he has found someone better. I asked him before, what if he liked someone else, he replied that he doesn't even have the time for another person. I know that he isn't the untrue type, but at this stage i wouldn't blame him if someone else provides him with the comfort he seeks.

He continued saying that perhaps we'll work out after army, because in the mean time it doesn't look likely. Because i end work late, my weekdays are practically burnt and i only have weekends left to split my time up with him and my friends. That was the excuse i gave to him. It's not untrue, but also a lie because i had to squeeze time in for B as well. He said he really likes me but we don't seem to be working out and he would like to be friends and not let things get worse. I don't know how that is going to work. I don't know what to do. But i know that i'm even willing to give up B just for him.

I felt so terrible. I cried myself to sleep thought it seemed like i wasn't able to get any. This morning i told my best guy friend JL how i felt. It is all my fault. I created the problem and now i regret it. When you love somebody, hold on to them and treasure them. Don't give in to temptations. Love them like you'll never see them again.