Torn between two lovers

Tonight i went out with B after work. Had a cosy dinner and after which he sent me home, like he always does. When we were walking out to hail a taxi, it started to pour very suddenly and we had to take shelter. When we did manage to hail a taxi, we had to walk unsheltered in the rain a little to the road and because it was raining so heavily he took off his jacket and asked me to cover myself with it while he walked in the rain. It's the little sweet things he does that leaves me addicted. The way he treats me is so different from the way J does. He appreciates me as i am, i can feel it in the way he touches me and looks at me. I feel special like how i'm supposed to feel with a man. Although he isn't perfect in the looks department ( however he still manages to look good ), i can't deny that i am attracted to him and that we have awesome chemistry and are rather compatible. I am currently 20 and he is 28.

Then on the other side, J, caring and thoughtful whom i know always has my best interest in the things he does is almost the opposite in personality, with boyish good looks and follows his head more than his heart. I feel as if i cannot ever let him go. I have considered ending things with him but the thought of it hurts me so much. We were going through a rough patch when B came into the picture and i fell into things with him, but now that things are stabilising with J, i know i have to come to a decision soon.

That, i have no idea what it would be. Only time will tell. People have told me to take it slowly and really think things through. However in the mean time i feel really guilty especially towards J because we have been together for almost 21 months. He is my age and i do look forward to going through life's experiences together with him. He is in the army currently while i have started working. ( My working life and education is another story. )

I never thought i would be torn between two lovers. It isn't even a case of choosing the "better" man, in terms of wealth and status to me. I am not holding on to them selfishly and without sparing a thought for their feelings while trying to make a decision. What if i said it's because i really love both of them and can't bear to let any go? Given a choice, i would not hurt any of them. Spending time with them is a deadly mixture of heartache and bliss.

The purpose of this post is to admit that i am unfaithful. But it is also to declare that i am not proud of it at all and my intention is not to victimise any of them. I have been crying myself to sleep often. This confession would also put in place the stepping stone for me to sort things out from here because without addressing the problem i will never be able to solve it.

I have alot to learn about myself and what i want. It is true that the most important thing is self understanding, and then comes self worth and forgiveness.