An open letter to you which you don't even know about

Dear J,

I miss you so much. I never thought i'd say this ever but it hurts, so much.
I love you more than you can ever imagine. You've said something like that to me before, i wonder if it still stands?
When i hear from you through text messages you have no idea how glad i feel, for that moment.
You seem happy without me, i guess you're coping real well. I wonder if it was selfish of you to leave me, given the reasons you stated. But i guess it was all my fault. It's true you don't realise what you have till you lose it. And i've learnt.
If i ever get one more chance i'll be so different. I wish we get a chance to start over again. I hope it's not the end for us. I'm hanging on to the hope that we'll be together again in the future. I don't know how possible that is....
But i know how my heart.
I wish you happiness in whichever path you choose. Please take care.

Love,
The Girl You Used To Know

Two days of medical leave

I have so much to say but everytime i try to organise my thoughts i seem to have difficulty. It's like it only makes sense as a jumble in my head.

I was on MC, yesterday and today. However was practically working the whole day from home because i had to compile something urgently, and i got so stressed out.. I took it out on B a little. Feel rather bad about it. B is really good to me, he didn't even retaliate but instead tried to assure and calm me down even. He is really a good person.

I realise now that another reason why i took it out on B was that i just miss J so much. I haven't stopped crying over him and most of the time i block it out and don't address the pain so i guess i will be taking a very long time to get over him.

I'm not prepared to give up what i have with B but somehow i have doubts that we'll work out well. It's as if i'm settling for second best, what i don't have a choice anyway.

I know all this sounds kind of mean, but don't get me wrong, it's not like i'm using B either, i generally have an interest in him.

I'm really glad for J that his army life is working out well. He gets to book out everyday and is holding a good post too.. i'm just really happy that he seems to be happy. Since the break up i haven't spoken to him on the phone, but the occasional texts ( very brief and not really very friendly in general ) and his blog entries ( occasional and not very detailed ) tell me that he is happy, carefree and has time to do what he wants now.

I am unable to let go of him really, it's so unfair to B and that is why i have tried to break it off with him, but he is persistent. He has told me he has not felt this way about anyone before and that he can't just end things like that. Maybe time will help, i will give it a chance.

Anyway, today i'm feeling much better. I apologised to B today for my bad attitude yesterday. I will try to manage my expectations and other's expectations like what he said, work is only work i can't let it take over my life.

Came back from a family dinner held at a chinese restaurant near my house, it was a good dinner. Nice catching up with them a little. I have made a mental note to put effort in my family relationships and just bothering a little more, i know it will make a difference.

I'm also trying to get in touch with my spiritual and religious life. I seem to have drifted away after my confirmation at age 15-16, ironically. It was when i realised i was unfamiliar and that i didn't feel the same way towards the faith as my then-boyfriend, who really surprised me. And that was it, i don't know why, i was young and impressionable, and i felt a bit left out and scared.
So now, the first thing to do is to go to church regularly and keep all the days of obligations.

Still figuring out the rest of my education! Should i go overseas? What should i study? Should i continue with this job for awhile more?

So many questions! Problems are indeed awaiting solutions....
Hmmm....

Anyway, i am quite glad that Friday is a public holiday.

To be continued

It seems like my emotional psyche is steering to the question of 'should i let myself be loved by the one who really loves me or should i continue reserving a space in my heart for the one i love?

To think that while i had the choice between both, icould have prevented this question from arising by choosing to stop venturing into the problem and settle for what i have. ( Taking theory from "ignorance is bliss" and reasoning it out to remaining blissful and ignorant of someone else. )

But if i hadn't, how would i know which is right?

And the result is that now i'm left with only one, and unanswered with an ongoing suspense.

Well i'm left with the one who loves me and you may say that it's not a bad thing at all, which i have to agree it isn't, however i feel something is missing. B may treat me better but it just isn't the same. At one stage i even contemplated on not dating B anymore just in the name of fairness. However now if J wants to come back to me and asks if i would like that as well, i honestly do not know the answer.

Sounds like a confused girl who can't make up her mind even when she is forced to? Well, this is where i have to draw the line between hope and reality. And coming to terms with what i want vs what i can't live with - and what i have to compromise vs my feelings.