Two days of medical leave

I have so much to say but everytime i try to organise my thoughts i seem to have difficulty. It's like it only makes sense as a jumble in my head.

I was on MC, yesterday and today. However was practically working the whole day from home because i had to compile something urgently, and i got so stressed out.. I took it out on B a little. Feel rather bad about it. B is really good to me, he didn't even retaliate but instead tried to assure and calm me down even. He is really a good person.

I realise now that another reason why i took it out on B was that i just miss J so much. I haven't stopped crying over him and most of the time i block it out and don't address the pain so i guess i will be taking a very long time to get over him.

I'm not prepared to give up what i have with B but somehow i have doubts that we'll work out well. It's as if i'm settling for second best, what i don't have a choice anyway.

I know all this sounds kind of mean, but don't get me wrong, it's not like i'm using B either, i generally have an interest in him.

I'm really glad for J that his army life is working out well. He gets to book out everyday and is holding a good post too.. i'm just really happy that he seems to be happy. Since the break up i haven't spoken to him on the phone, but the occasional texts ( very brief and not really very friendly in general ) and his blog entries ( occasional and not very detailed ) tell me that he is happy, carefree and has time to do what he wants now.

I am unable to let go of him really, it's so unfair to B and that is why i have tried to break it off with him, but he is persistent. He has told me he has not felt this way about anyone before and that he can't just end things like that. Maybe time will help, i will give it a chance.

Anyway, today i'm feeling much better. I apologised to B today for my bad attitude yesterday. I will try to manage my expectations and other's expectations like what he said, work is only work i can't let it take over my life.

Came back from a family dinner held at a chinese restaurant near my house, it was a good dinner. Nice catching up with them a little. I have made a mental note to put effort in my family relationships and just bothering a little more, i know it will make a difference.

I'm also trying to get in touch with my spiritual and religious life. I seem to have drifted away after my confirmation at age 15-16, ironically. It was when i realised i was unfamiliar and that i didn't feel the same way towards the faith as my then-boyfriend, who really surprised me. And that was it, i don't know why, i was young and impressionable, and i felt a bit left out and scared.
So now, the first thing to do is to go to church regularly and keep all the days of obligations.

Still figuring out the rest of my education! Should i go overseas? What should i study? Should i continue with this job for awhile more?

So many questions! Problems are indeed awaiting solutions....
Hmmm....

Anyway, i am quite glad that Friday is a public holiday.